How Women Wound Men

Women simply do not understand how deeply they can wound the man who loves them, who longs for their approval and admiration.  Sometimes it feels like they want us to be made of steel, but we are not.  We can be strong, we can suffer a lot to try to care for our wives and children, but we, too, have a vulnerable place in our heart.  Many women think that men don't feel because men don't always show their feelings, but this is generally because men who show their feelings too much are attacked and abandoned by women. 

Besides, when we hear our chosen woman constantly pointing out what we have forgotten to do, what we have failed to provide for her and how disappointed she is in  us, we feel emotionally threatened.  We protect the vulnerability of our hearts by pulling back within ourselves and  trying to “toughen up” to be stronger for our lady in hopes of winning back her approval and admiration.
When it is not forthcoming, when we feel incapable of winning the admiration and respect we crave, we may become angry trying to reclaim our sense of manhood by physically conquering the woman, but more often (especially if we are a good man) we simply withdraw in quiet desperation, secretly feeling like failures and knowing that after we have done their very best it was not good enough.

I have given people all kinds of “reasons” why I left my wife of 14 years.  These are justifications I put out because they avoid me having to confess the real reason I left.  I have told people, it was because she didn't like sex, she didn't want to take care of the home and other responsibilities, because she was so critical of me, etc.  But all of these mask the real reason.  I left her because she made me feel like I was a failure as a husband.  I had given her the very best my soul had to offer and she kept telling me it wasn't good enough.  I left because I “gave up,” trying to win her trust and love, knowing there was no way I would ever win her respect and admiration.

There are pivotal experiences in our lives, moments where something seemingly small makes a big shift in our life and our energy.  There is a pivotal moment in my 14-year marriage that I have gone back to, reliving time and time again, each time wondering how I could have handled the situation better.  The situation is a symbol of how I felt about the entire relationship.

My wife had had a car, but she had gotten into an accident that had dented one of the rear doors.  She wanted to get rid of the car, but I told her that I didn't know when we'd be able to replace it.  I was leaving my job of six years and striking out on my own.  I was in a financially vulnerable position—losing a secure job to start my own venture.  I told my wife that this might entail some temporary cutbacks in our budget and she agreed to support me while we made the adjustment.

One month after leaving my job she decided that she needed a car.  Even though I was working at home so she could basically use our car whenever she wanted to, she wanted another car that was “hers.”  She said that I had to travel once in a while and she wouldn't have the car.  I told her that that could be solved by her driving me to the airport and picking me up.  She didn't want to do that.

I knew that trying to purchase a second car would be a financial hardship I didn't feel I could handle right then.  I asked her to be patient until we were a little more financially solid.  She insisted that the car was necessary.  She told me she had confidence in my ability to provide, but I didn't feel confident in my ability to handle this situation right now.  For three days she cried, got angry with me, demanded, manipulated me.  When one strategy didn't work she shifted to another.  She was relentless in her emotional assault upon me. 

I was determined to be the man and do the right thing, but she wouldn't stop.  Finally, and I remember this moment well, she was sitting across from me in the living room, and she said, “if you don't get me a car, you don't love me.”  She had found my vulnerable spot.  I wanted her to feel loved by me.  I wanted her to feel safe in my ability to provide for her.  I wanted her approval, for her to see me as confident and capable. She had “won.”  I caved in and we went and got the car, although I resented her for it.  I wasn't ready to shoulder that responsibility, but she hit my vulnerable spot and got what she wanted.

I resented her for it, though, and in that moment, my vulnerability towards her died.  Although I continued to dutifully “love” her, all I wanted to do was escape.  I knew the truth—she didn't care about me or respect me at all.  All she cared about was getting what she wanted out of me.  So trust died, and with it, my willingness to give my heart to her died. 

Oh, I stayed with her for three more years, but I was miserable.  I felt “fucked,” like the woman who caves into her lover's pressuring her for sex when she isn't ready.  It's called a “mercy fuck.”  She gives him her body, but withholds her love.  I had pressured my wife of 14 years into giving me a “mercy fuck” just once and I never did it again.  It just felt wrong.  It brought no satisfaction and I apologized to her and told her I would never do it again and I never did. 

But she had demanded a “mercy fuck” from me over and over again and she didn't seem to care at all about how it made me feel.  The incident with the car was just the “breaking point” for me.  She had gotten what she wanted out of me physically, but had lost my heart in the process.  I understood how many women feel and why they lose desire to be intimate with their partner.  When all your partner cares more about is getting what they want than they do about you, you feel violated, and it hurts.

I have often wished I could get women to understand that what they do to men in pressuring and demanding that men give them things, is just as harmful as when a man pressures and demands a woman give him sex.  They may physically get what they think they want, but they lose the heart connection to their partner. 

I have relived that moment many times.  At first, I imagined myself being angry for her willingness to violate me in that manner—to betray my vulnerability and trust in her.  I imagined myself saying angrily, “Then I guess I don't love you, because I'm not getting you that car.”  I even pictured myself suggesting that perhaps we should just get divorced since obviously I didn't love her.

But, I eventually realized that would have been a lie.  I did love her and I wanted her to love me back.  So, I imagined myself saying, “I do love you, but I'm not going to get you that car.”  But, I realized that that would not have ended it.  She would have continued to pressure me until she eventually “won” and actually “lost” because it was in that moment that our divorce began.  I divorced her emotionally three years before I divorced her physically, because up until that time she had my heart, my loyalty and my devotion.  After that,  she lost it and never won it back.

Today, with more insight, I know what I wish I could have said, “My dear, I do love you and I could give you the car, but I would resent doing it.  I'm not ready to do this, and if you continue to pressure me, then I will feel like you do not love me—that you don't care about me at all—you only care about what you can get out of me.  If I get you the car, it will make me resent you and destroy feelings of love and trust I have for you.  So, if that is what you want, then continue to push for the car, because that is what will happen if you do.”

But, I could not have said that because I didn't know that at the time.  She had attacked me where I was most vulnerable, and I have to allow for the fact that I am not made of steel.  There is a limit to what I can give before I start to feel violated, but there is also a limit to the resistance I can offer to someone I care about.

I know the moment that my next marriage emotionally dissolved, too.  My wife had wanted a Jeep and a home in the country and children and I had willingly given all these things to her.  I was struggling to bear the burden of providing all these things for her for the same reason that I had before.  I wanted to be her hero.  I wanted to provide for her, help her feel safe and protected, and I wanted her to admire and respect me for the sacrifice I was willing to make for her.

So, we were standing outside the house looking over our property (10 acres in the country, just what she wanted) and she said, “I don't have to be thankful to you for any of this, God gave it to me, not you.”  In one moment, she had taken away all my incentive to shoulder the responsibilities I was carrying.  She didn't see any reason to be thankful for what I was giving her or reciprocate the care I was giving her. 

My immediate thought was, “Then I guess I should leave you and we'll see how much God lets you keep.”  I didn't say it, although sometimes I wish that I had said it and then turned and walked away.  In that moment I emotionally left the relationship.  She had denied me the thing that my heart longed to receive the most from her—her admiration, appreciation and gratitude for the “manly” gifts I was trying to give her.  I knew that no matter how hard I worked to get her what she wanted, she felt no need to let me be her hero. 

When I left her she tried to keep it all.  She wanted the house, she wanted the jeep, but she still wanted me to pay for it.  In her mind, I owed it to her just because I had been her husband. I hear so much in the media about how “bad” men are, how all we want is sex, how men don't pay their child support, how men are the abusers and so forth.  It just isn't so.  I've seen many men financially devastated by women, driven to bankruptcy as women took everything they'd worked for away from them, just because the woman felt she “deserved it.” 

I offered my wife her choice of two trucks that were completely paid for.  She chose to keep the jeep, and the judge said she could have it if she made the payments on it.  It got repossessed because she couldn't make the payments and she claimed I stole it from her.  She lost the house because I couldn't afford to pay her child support, pay rent on an apartment for me, cover the debts I'd incurred and make the house payment at the same time.  It destroyed my credit and I went bankrupt, and she blamed me for taking away “her” home.

So, it all got taken away from her.  She lost it all and she blames me for robbing her of what “God” gave her. She still cannot acknowledge or appreciate the devotion I showed her when I gave her my heart.  In her mind it was all stuff I owed to her.